April 16, 2013

The myths & morals of green juice.

My Dad gave me a juicer for Christmas. He is one of those people who in addition to any monetary gift they may give still need to have something for under the tree. My idea of buying myself a new bikini with his money, taking it to Germany, and putting it under the tree re-wrapped, was rejected. So after much thinking of what I actually needed, I decided to ask him for a juicer. It fit nicely underneath the tree, but barely in my bag, so admittedly it became a bit of a schlepp.
It has long made it home though and I love it. I was especially excited to start green juicing after hearing wonderful testimonials of how it basically cures cancer, eliminates cellulite and makes you forever 28. What nobody tells you though is that green juice is well…to put it nicely…not for the faint-hearted.  No, all these green juice junkies make it sound delicious, like a cocktail and you won’t even miss the alcohol.
Trying to make it more cocktail-esque in my Consol cocktail jar. Unfortunately not working all that well in terms of taste.

And they also always, always fail to mention to a newbie like me that it is sort of mandatory to put celery in your green juice!
Let me quickly tell you my two cents about celery: Celery is THE most disgusting, not only of all vegetables, but of all foods. If celery were to become extinct, I would hold a party - a R.I.P. & good riddance celery party. Before you ask – yes, I have eaten celery before. I come from a home where parents insisted that I try everything once, at least as far as food goes. This has led to me being overall quite unfussy with food and I will still try almost anything. So yes, celery and I have crossed paths on a plate on occasion and I was not impressed.
So not impressed in fact that I made a holy vow to avoid celery at all costs. Which is tricky, because people like to sneak it into dishes where it serves no purpose whatsoever. I mean is there a good reason why it needs to be in Chicken Satay Noodles? Or in a chicken salad? Or in any salad for that matter? Noodle soup? Surely you can add something else for a green touch?! It’s everywhere where it doesn't need to be and the tiniest bit will fuck up  - excuse me, but there is no other word for it - an entire plate. You can blind taste test me and I will find the celery. In fact you could call me the truffle pig of celery. Though to even make this comparison is a bit blasphemous…for truffles to be mentioned in the same sentence as celery - poor truffles!
My Dad wouldn't believe me. He loves celery and finds it hard to comprehend that anyone wouldn't share his enthusiasm. A conversation a few years ago went like this:

Dad (proudly announcing): I am making you chicken breast with pasta. And some celery soufflé/gratin/sauce/whatever on the side.
Me (sighing): Dad, I really don’t like celery. In fact I hate it.
Dad (voice slightly shaking): But you have never tried it before!
Me (more patiently sighing): Dad, I'm 28* years old, so yes, I have tried celery before.
Dad (voice still shaking): But you have never tried it the way I make it!
Me (still sighing, less patiently): That doesn't matter it is still celery.
Dad (now with tears in the corner of his eyes): But…!

We had this conversation not once but a few times over the years and inevitably my Dad ended up being upset, because I’d either reject his dish or clamp my nose shut to eat it. Two years ago I decided to change tactics and simply told him that I was allergic to celery. My Dad thought this to be very sad and immediately offered to fix the poor thing, which was me, something else. I think eventually he worked out that I made the allergy up. But he still takes it with good grace and just teases me about it once in a while which is much preferred to eating celery.
So now you can probably understand why I wasn't too keen to keen on sticking celery into my green juice. But as it seems to be the key ingredient to eternal health and youth and upon the realization that green juices aren't very yummy to begin with I decided to face the enemy head on this week. My fridge wasn't keen on the plan. When I brought home a pack of celery yesterday it got scared and gave me a look of horror, of don’t you dare put this in me! So I decided to put it next to the juicer so they could acquaint before today’s morning meeting. 
Today I can proudly tell you I made it; I drank green juice with celery! Aaaaand? you are asking. Let me just say that the experts were right - you don’t taste the celery in the juice. However they failed to mention that you might just keep on burping up celery taste for the whole morning. And that you do taste, over and over again.
Needless to add the left over celery is finding a new home immediately and from now on I will be officially allergic for the whole world to know.

*I truly still was 28 when this conversation took place. 


  1. Yay, finally someone who despises celery as much as I do :) Totally concur on EVERYTHING you posted about celery, except maybe adding it to the Green Juice my key ingredient is fresh ginger.

  2. I love fresh ginger and completely concur - that should be the key ingredient. We must spread the word!!


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