December 12, 2013

the big life.

there is no passion to be found in playing small in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. “

what wonderful, beautiful words these are. and how hard are they to manifest if you are not madiba. or someone similarly fabulous. but then again, isn't that what he is saying – that we should all be that amazing.
i am so tired of my life as it is right now. and yes, i know on the grand sceme of things that is ungrateful and petty and my own problem, my own fault at the end of the day.

i found the picture above tonight and while a bit cheesy, it seems to sum up what i am longing for right now. my feet in warm sand and sparkling light over my head and someone to laugh with, to hug me hard, and kiss me even harder.
the nasty, enticing smell of a big city after a hot summer rain.
the adhan. spices in my nostrils.
the exhaustion that sets in after a day of exploring a new world.
freezing cold and the knowledge that your skin glows in the light of candles and the vapors of mulled wine. whenever i used to come home after a night out with friends in winter, everything was so quiet, it felt like i was the last person on earth and it was equally scary and welcoming at the same time.
i long for the smells that have been the same since childhood. that are so familiar and so new because now i'm a grown-up.
the smell of jasmine and the noise of traffic.
seeing animals i have only ever seen in books before.
not being able to sleep because the crickets are so loud.
speaking 3 words of a foreign language but being understood.
speaking my mother tongue and being understood.
making new friends amongst old.
surprising myself.
laughing at myself.
laughing out loud.
being able to say i don't want to let you go. being able to let go.
being scared and brave about the same thing and at the same time.
making new friends and feeling immediately 'arrived'.
rain and darkness.
summer heat. snow flakes on my skin melting.

feeling alive again.
living that big life that i am meant to live.

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