February 16, 2012

Bye bye yogi.

A good massage should do what a good yoga class will – relax and re-energize at the same time. Luckily I have just had one of those massages so I have the relaxed, calm energy to write about the fact that unfortunately the good yoga is a whole different story now. I can't promise that it will be a funny post at all, but this is why I started writing in the first place: to get stuff of my chest and by writing it down trying to make a tiny bit more sense of my world in the sometimes vain attempt that life will be better with a bit more sense. It doesn't always work, but I have always tried nonetheless.

My beautiful yoga studio has closed down. It has happened surprisingly and so sudden that I still can't really wrap my head around it. Reasons are the usual in a world driven by money and real estate. Unfortunately not even yoga teachers can live of love, air, and open heart chakras. I knew that, but reality only struck now and I am out of the job I loved most in the world. A job, I guess luckily I never relied on to pay my rent, but which paid me more than I could ever imagine in smiles, contentment, and a sense of purpose. Now I feel like the carpet is being pulled away from underneath me, taking something away that just made me a little more me.
Me teaching yoga. Who thought it possible? And there I was. I never asked for it, it just somehow came to me and found me, which made it all the more special. We are all put into boxes and whether we like it or not that is how the world works. I liked my box “yoga teacher”. It added something to me that made me feel wonderful. Now I feel like I'm no yoga teacher anymore. My wonderful friend Julia did put head straight though saying “of course I am not no yoga teacher anymore”, but I can't shake the feeling that I have just lost something forever.
My teachers are going back to their old studio. I think they are relieved. Relieved from a burden of responsibility and financial strain. I understand that and I am happy for them that they are doing fine. At the same time I can't shake the notion of feeling betrayed. How can you go back from a space of utter light and clarity to the past? I don't think I can. Not now. Not yet.
I know it will be fine. Luckily just in time wise words popped into my head. Sometimes things need to break and fall apart to make space for better things to come and grow. I believe in that. Strongly. Always. I also believe that sometimes you can just cry for a bit, mourning the loss for something that was beautiful and sacred till you feel ready to get up and find the next big adventure.

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