today
i had planned a very happy post. a post about my lovely, first
teaching-free weekend and the sunshine and the family gatherings and
all that happy stuff. i even wanted to share lots of pictures of me
and my sunburn. okay, fine, that is a lie as i didn’t
get a sunburn didn’t
take any pictures.
with
or without the pictures, this post is so not happening now as i came
home last night to find out that my dad instead of being released
from hospital had to be moved back to the icu. then hell sort of
broke loose inside of me and i went on a frantic phone spree to find
out what had happened, what was happening now, and mainly if i had to
book a flight back home immediately. i don’t know what to do in a
situation like this. i have never been so worried for someone that
close to me. i don’t know if that is something that you can ever
learn or get used to somehow. and i realized that even though i know
people who it has happened to and though i have read books about it
and seen movies, nothing could have ever prepared me to how it feels
first hand. how i felt like someone punched me in the stomach and
knocked the wind out of me. i guess it’s the same with all grand
things in life – you can empathize, but you actually don’t know
anything until you have actually been there, done that.
so
yesterday i cried a lot, slept badly, and realized that while a
crisis brings out the best in people, it also can bring out the worst
in some. today i am not only scared and sad, but also seriously
pissed off with certain self-righteous someones. but to be honest i
am also being a complete asshole right now to anyone who doesn't have
answers or too many or only the ones i don't want to hear, which is
pretty much everybody. i roar and not in a good katy perry kind of
way, but more in a 'seriously fuck off' kind of way. which i know is
not fair at all, because everybody i roar at is just as scared as me
and loves my dad just as much.
now
i am going home to wait for news. since i feel utterly drained today
i wish i was this person who would go do yoga and drink green juice
to feel better, but alas, i am not that person. i am the person who
eats rescue remedy pills like haribo, makes homemade pizza, and who
stocks up on wine, because i realized yesterday that running out of
wine in a crisis is a small crisis in itself.
in
the midst of all of this i want to thank all of you who have offered
me kind words, hugs, and understanding and prayers for my dad. it
means the world to me to have people like you in my life; people who
love and support me without questioning, because you know me, you
know that i am scared, and you know i only roar so i don't cry.
