i roar, not cry.

today i had planned a very happy post. a post about my lovely, first teaching-free weekend and the sunshine and the family gatherings and all that happy stuff. i even wanted to share lots of pictures of me and my sunburn. okay, fine, that is a lie as i didn’t get a sunburn didn’t take any pictures.

with or without the pictures, this post is so not happening now as i came home last night to find out that my dad instead of being released from hospital had to be moved back to the icu. then hell sort of broke loose inside of me and i went on a frantic phone spree to find out what had happened, what was happening now, and mainly if i had to book a flight back home immediately. i don’t know what to do in a situation like this. i have never been so worried for someone that close to me. i don’t know if that is something that you can ever learn or get used to somehow. and i realized that even though i know people who it has happened to and though i have read books about it and seen movies, nothing could have ever prepared me to how it feels first hand. how i felt like someone punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. i guess it’s the same with all grand things in life – you can empathize, but you actually don’t know anything until you have actually been there, done that. 

so yesterday i cried a lot, slept badly, and realized that while a crisis brings out the best in people, it also can bring out the worst in some. today i am not only scared and sad, but also seriously pissed off with certain self-righteous someones. but to be honest i am also being a complete asshole right now to anyone who doesn't have answers or too many or only the ones i don't want to hear, which is pretty much everybody. i roar and not in a good katy perry kind of way, but more in a 'seriously fuck off' kind of way. which i know is not fair at all, because everybody i roar at is just as scared as me and loves my dad just as much.

now i am going home to wait for news. since i feel utterly drained today i wish i was this person who would go do yoga and drink green juice to feel better, but alas, i am not that person. i am the person who eats rescue remedy pills like haribo, makes homemade pizza, and who stocks up on wine, because i realized yesterday that running out of wine in a crisis is a small crisis in itself.

in the midst of all of this i want to thank all of you who have offered me kind words, hugs, and understanding and prayers for my dad. it means the world to me to have people like you in my life; people who love and support me without questioning, because you know me, you know that i am scared, and you know i only roar so i don't cry.