last week i wrote a story for the travelettes about how holiday memories and dreaming sometimes help me
through reality. i started with one of my favourite quotes by anaïs
nin who said “we write to taste life twice.”
this week it ain't helping to
write about. sorry, anaïs,
but sometimes writing is just not enough, after all writing isn't
real tasting, isn't real living.
my tan is fading and so is
vacation me. i am working so hard on making a life for myself
here in hamburg and i feel like i am failing at it at each turn. i
know objectively that my start here is as good as i could have hoped
for, but i just don't feel it. i feel like i am constantly
disappointing people's expectation and most importantly my own. i
already need a holiday, mainly because on holiday there is nobody's
expectation to disappoint and as far expectations of myself go – i
have none. of course i do have expectations of gecko roommates and
such, but those are easier to handle. which reminds me that you most
likely won't get the gecko roommate remark as i haven't written that
post yet and it is such a good story and i really want to share it
and there it goes onto my to-do list. currently on place number 347.
sigh.
i know that all is well and will
be even better.
i know that a big part of it is
that i worked really hard on my first local production last week so i
am simply exhausted. also i haven't done any yoga, eaten little good
food, drank much wine (yes, there is wine here too! and when i felt a
bit homesick on thursday my brother bought all south african wines
for me), and now got a cold. we all know who turns into a moaning,
moping guy when sick, right?
oh, and did i mention that my
wonderful friend marie got married last week and we all ended up
having too much fun with our new york friends? now it's time for
routine, time to calm down, time to work, and while i know i need it,
i feel like all joy has gone.
i know that most expectations are
in my own head. and that i just need to let them go because i am not
only doing what i can, i am not just doing fine, i am doing great.
today is just one of those days when i need a constant reminder of it
and maybe a hug or two.
p.s. in case you wonder why this post is call called "great expectations. part II" - i already wrote one called "great expectations" and it is about expectations in my yoga practise and how wonderful it felt to let go of them. read it here, i quite liked reading it again and it still seems valid and appropriate for all sorts of situations.
